I felt led to republish this post today; my beloved and I are very happy, with a solid ground underneath us after some shaky years. Recently, I have recommitted to what I feel is my correct course in my life, and was thinking about the power of commitment energetically when my attention was brought to this post. I wrote about this some years ago, and it drew some wonderful commentary from other women. Perhaps this kind of struggle to define ourselves happens to many of us. But what is interesting to me is that commitment within oneself is so very powerful.
If you keep this context in mind as you read…while I speak of my marriage (which was indeed in trouble) that the deeper issue is a commitment to myself….you might get some additional insight.
A confession: in the spring of 2008, I began to split from my life.
After years of fighting for my own wellness, my marriage and my family’s togetherness, I finally got tired and unhappy enough that I seriously wondered if it was time to leave my husband.
It’s not that he is a bad person, or that I don’t love him. I DO love him, utterly, and he is a wonderful person…sweet, loving, kind, loyal. He is what many would say is a “good man”. Besides that, he is the other half of my heart.
But my unhappiness with him has been (in part) because of his inability to step into and hold the masculinity that I so crave in my life. For many years I have wanted him to be more, to be different. And we all know where wanting someone to be different gets us.
Of course, we also know about the concept that what we are looking for on the outside is actually a search for balance on the inside of us.
But after 20+ years, I became weary of the temple of initiation that intimate relationship inevitably serves as. Perhaps the relentless, full throttle inner work I had been doing since I was 23 years of age finally wore me out. I just wanted my life to be happy.
And so I began to separate, to begin to ponder another life. In doing this, I actually began to travel down two roads at once, this life I was living and had wished for all of my life and wanted desperately to work out, and the other life, the life without him, the life of something different. Better? Who knew…but I did know I couldn’t be this way any longer.
I had asked him to start therapy about his parents several years earlier. His response was to jump when I asked, but not to claim health for himself, for his own sake. He was doing it for me. I think I am finally seeing after all these years of my begging and asking and demanding and wringing my hands that he is on the path because he wants freedom. For himself. I am seeing more progress in our relationship than I ever have before.
Now, it is the autumn of 2010…that means for 2.5 years I have been hesitantly exploring another road while also living in my current life. I have been slowly investing energy in another track, another stream, another life that is different than this one. It has taken my focus away from this one because there is the chance of another path working out, the possibility of an exit, the promise of a jump to something better.
It has led me to feel like Jekyll and Hyde at times…I can feel so sure about something in the morning then by the afternoon feel completely different, the opposite even. Over time, my life energy being on two paths has depleted my energy stores. I hit a wall recently; I was exhausted, worn out, had no optimism or enthusiasm or hope for the future. In some ways this does not feel different than the last few years…but I always had some energy. Now, I don’t. This scares me.
I was guided on the morning of November 17th to see these two roads, and that I am trying to live two lives at once. I was told that it really would be supportive if I chose just one, because trying to live two is causing significant problems for me. But which road to choose? I asked some questions about if there was one that was more authentic, more true, more happy. I was told no. I asked if there was one where I would get more of what I wanted, and was told yes. The life with Peter.
So what does this tell me? I can’t choose incorrectly. I will be supported in both lives, whichever I choose. But speaking practically, I am already living the life with Peter and our children, have already invested 24 years into it; and it would cause terrible pain for my children for us to split. So maybe choosing to stick with this life, to commit to it and to really work on my relationship with Peter in such a way that it feels oh so right to stay is the path for me.
I then did some ceremony in which I chose energetically to commit to this life with Peter, and already feel a huge difference. And so does he. But I also feel the absence of the chance to jump if the ship lists any more than it already has. I guess that is the nature of commitment, though….no ways out.
I was warned, however…that if I chose to stay with Peter, I would need to be more feminine, more allowing, more nurturing – more allowing of my feminine self to be the way I walk in the world. This would encourage his inner masculine to step forward more, and honor his inner masculine.
I have been working of late to balance my own internal masculine/feminine, and in doing so have been exploring more masculine energy…this makes it harder for me to be with Peter. Not only because it encourages his feminine to come forward, but because the more balanced I am internally, the less I need him to balance me in the unit of us, the system of us.
If we are going to stay together, that means I am committing to the balance of the unit. If I am more feminine, he will be more masculine, and we will balance each other and our unit will be balanced and effective. It has put more strain on our relationship for me to be focusing on balancing myself because it has upset the balance of Peter and I as a unit. In my desire to heal myself, I imbalanced my marriage. Balance within is still my intent and goal, but I will do it at a pace that does not rock the foundation of my primary relationship in this world.